Are you in love with a narcissist but find that you often struggle with their lack of empathy towards you, need for attention, and inflated sense of importance? Narcissists are typically engaging, charismatic, seductive, and exciting, especially in the beginning of your relationship. After some time, however, and especially if you “out shine” them, they will exhibit the following:
an inflated sense of importance at your expense
a deep need for excessive attention and admiration
lack of empathy for others
Interpersonally exploitive behavior
Arrogant behavior
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
*The severity of narcissism varies.
At times you may feel exploited by your narcissistic partner. They may embarrasses you in public or private in order to lift themselves up. They may humiliate and manipulate you, making you feel guilty for anything that doesn’t involve them shining (e.g., your success, perceiving you as a better parent, in business, with friends). They may blame you for everything and at times (but not in all cases) there may be verbal and/or mental abuse and even physical or sexual abuse.
Sometimes it may seem like your narcissistic partner gains satisfaction/pleasure from hurting you. Although some may feel that way, I have worked with several narcissists who have a part that actually feels bad at some level for hurting their spouse. Many vie for power and control of situations and gaining attention non-consciously based on feeling so incredibly vulnerable in the world. This is because narcissists often have an impaired or undeveloped sense of self. Despite seeming to be very strong, narcissists are actually quite vulnerable and surprisingly fragile. Because of this, they often need to feel powerful in order to feel safe in the world and especially in their relationships. This helps alleviate the chronic shame they feel inside.
I realize this blog seems pretty dismal in terms of having a relationship with a narcissist. However, many women (and men) choose to stay in a relationship with their narcissistic partner, which is possible with support.
Here are a couple tips to consider if you are wondering what to do in your relationship with your spouse:
1. Notice what you love about your narcissistic partner and what you don’t. Ask yourself if the things you love can make up for what is missing and if not, can you be ok with living with your partner the way things are, including if they are unwilling to work on their issues via therapy?Remember, while some things may change over time, some of the stuff that you really don’t like will always be part of the narcissist’s package.
2. Trust yourself and listen to what you say to yourself and others about your relationship. If you complain all the time about your partner, it's important to listen to your internal dialogue. If he or she makes you constantly feel bad about yourself, listen to that! It's important to know that you are not crazy for falling in love with this person. As I mentioned, narcissists can be charming, some are really great partners. They can even appear at times to be sensitive to your emotions and able to respond to your needs. However, if you find that your self esteem is suffering, or there is abuse of any kind, it’s important you get help!
Lastly, there are ways you can get support while being in a relationship with your loved one who is a narcissist.
Build a support system of safe people to talk to. It’s important to find people who will not judge you.
Learn how to strengthen and protect yourself including your self esteem. This can be done in therapy (individual, group therapy, support groups).
Seek out sources of information that are reliable to read; books and articles by experts who treat narcissistic personality disorder.
If you notice you consistently feel down about yourself as a result of your partner and can’t get out of it, it is important to get help.
Loving a narcissist can be incredibly wonderful at times and cause significant distress at others. If you need support as you or both of you navigate through your relationship, we are here for you!
References: Lancer, D. (2019). How to Think Like a Narcissist and Why They Hurt People:Understanding a narcissist's mind shields and empowers you to react effectively. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201906/how-think-narcissist-and-why-they-hurt-people
Mayo Clinic. (2020). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved from: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
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