I recently had a deeply painful encounter that felt like a poison arrow stabbing me at my core. Someone I know said some incredibly hurtful things to me, claiming I said and did things; I recalled the situation completely different. As they called me names and spewed venom at me, I felt my heart close off and my inner love-light dim with sadness. By the time I went to bed that night, the sadness in my heart turned to a ball of fury. I felt the parts of me that are fiery dragons step forward. They kept me up at night, ready to fight, defend, destroy.
I awoke at 4:30 a.m. the next morning and got up to meditate in our living room by the fire. I turned on my spotify station, "Native American Flute Music for Meditation", closed my eyes, and turned inward.
I immediately heard a soft feminine voice whisper inside of me, "What if it is true?"
I sat with that question for a moment, then heard more....
"What if what this person said about you IS true?" This question was followed by a description of my shadow side; the parts of me that I have historically wanted to keep exiled deep within. Before I could answer, she generalized this question to include other areas of my life--"what if it is true that I have had questionable character at times, judged myself and others, gone against my own values and beliefs, bean hurtful and mean, not had good boundaries, lied, been selfish, and made unhealthy decisions?"
"What if all of this is true?
I took a deep breath in and felt my entire being start to relax. I then heard my own voice inside respond, "It is. It is all true."
I paused for a moment allowing this new and powerful realization to sink in.
I noticed a calm, compassionate clarity pour over my entire being as I continued to listen. "It is true that I am all these things. I have said and been and done ALL these things at times in my life." I paused, took a deep breath in and continued to allow my system to settle with this wisdom. I took another breath in and felt a weight lift as I heard, "If it is true, then what?"
.... I leaned into this question and sat with it...."Then what?"
In that moment, I heard, "Then you can be free."
And with that statement, it was as if an inner light bulb turned on inside of me. I could feel the utter freedom in embodying this level of accountability.
My body felt lighter and my spirit brighter having this new insight-- that my shadow side IS an important and integral part of me--or rather, it makes up many parts of me that I have deemed unacceptable. To ignore my shadow side--to avoid it, dismiss it, try to hide from it, or hide it from others (via blame, projection) would only serve to make it more difficult if not impossible for me to completely heal; and to help others heal.
Indeed it is necessary to befriend my shadow side, all the parts of me that I have historically been ashamed of, in order to fully embrace and embody who I truly am....I am Love, loving, light, bright, a truth seeker, a truth see-er and truth-teller, joy and rapture, kind, compassionate, funny, full of wisdom, free, and at peace. If I don't allow myself to embrace the truth of all of me, I also am unable to share who I truly am with the rest of the world. I am so much more.
At the end of my meditation I was reminded that love, including self love, is medicine. If we can learn to love ALL parts of ourselves, even the parts we are ashamed of, we can and will heal.
Sending you love and light tender souls,
Candice
Photo credit: Paul Meckes, Unsplash.com